The Crazy Things We Do After Being Cheated On Checklist

After being cheated on, we are vulnerable and broken. It's hard to think straight as our minds and bodies get flooded from the betrayal shock. Now is the time for self-compassion, not making life-changing decisions. Check out the crazy things we do list that don't help after being cheated on.

Some things can't be undone and can hurt the other innocent people in our lives and us more. The following checklist is some things that can happen in the stress of the moment after infidelity gets revealed. Later, after thinking about it, the betrayed who did them have wished they hadn't. They now carry the consequences of their actions or prolonged their pain and healing. 

Things That Don’t Help

and Can Hurt Us More
Lady Covering Her Mouth
  • Blaming yourself for your partner cheating.
  • Telling everyone, family, friends, work colleagues, etc. about the affair.
  • Involving your children.
  • Broadcasting your partner’s affair over social media.
  • Physically attacking your partner or their affair partner. 
  • Filing for divorce immediately. 
  • Having a revenge affair.
  • Destroying all your partner’s possessions. 
  • Putting all the blame on the affair partner. 
  • Going on an expensive spending spree and draining bank accounts.
  • Thinking that your life is over. 
  • Trying to heal on your own. 
  • Taking advice from people who have never experienced infidelity. 
  • Not talking about the betrayal with your partner. 
  • Not giving yourself enough time to heal. 
  • Pretending that the infidelity never happened. 
  • Avoiding getting tested for STDs. 
  • Punishing your partner ongoingly. 
  • Throwing away wedding and engagement rings or gifts. 
  • Destroying wedding photos or gifts. 
  • Asking for graphic details that leave pictures in your head of what your partner did with their affair partner. 
  • Letting your partner blame you for their infidelity. 
  • Allowing your partner to control what they do or don’t tell you about the affair. 
  • Accepting put-downs from your partner like; you are paranoid for wanting to check my phone etc. 
  • Trusting your partner won’t do it again because they said they wouldn't, without them going to therapy to understand why they cheated and showing consistent, ongoing empathy and change. 
  • Competing with the affair partner. 
  • Letting your partner tell you when it is time to stop talking about their infidelity. 
  • Continuing to talk about the betrayal with your partner after you have gotten triggered and started to lose emotional control. 
  • Not having a plan on how to survive the trauma infidelity causes. 
  • Allowing someone to tell you that it isn’t that bad or telling you how to feel. 
  • Avoiding facing your pain. 
  • Not taking care of yourself and your personal needs. 
  • Going on a drinking binge or taking drugs to avoid your pain. 
  • Second-guessing your worth. 
  • Controlling your partner and their behavior and thinking it will help. 
  • Thinking that YOUR actions will change THEIR behavior.
  • Contacting the affair partner. 
  • Feeling guilty for your partner’s actions or believing that your partner’s actions reflect on you. 
  • Trying to make your partner happy. 
  • Walking on eggshells so you don't upset your partner. 
  • Believing that you were the problem or reason your partner cheated.
  • Taking on the role of fixing the relationship. 
  • Not setting boundaries. 
  • Thinking that you are not enough. 

The list could go on. Please add your "Don't Do This" in the comment box at the bottom of this page to support others on their painful journey.

If you need support or find yourself ticking the boxes on this page, please reach out by leaving a comment at the bottom of this page or booking a free coaching call with me. 

I'm here to give you the support you need because infidelity is one of the most painful experiences in life. The person with who we were connected stopped being safe. Now we don't feel safe! But what makes it even more painful is that our future no longer feels safe. Our whole life can often feel like a lie after we discover we were cheated on.

I have experienced all this first-hand. And now that I am on the other side of betrayal pain, I want to reach out to those in the midst of it. There is a way through. Life after infidelity can be better than before, and I am here to show you how.

Find out more

Your healing is important.  Your life is important.

Much love

You may also find these helpful:

Mindset of a Cheating Man – Habits Cheaters Have

Mindset of a Cheating Man – Habits Cheaters Have

Blame and Infidelity

Blame and Infidelity

My Story of Cheating – How I Became the Betrayed Wife

My Story of Cheating – How I Became the Betrayed Wife

About the Author

Let's talk

I'm the Betrayed Wife, mother of adult children, former teacher, and now a certified life coach and relationship facilitator.

The betrayed wife's personal experiences, her highly attuned ear, and deep insights are what her clients love most about working with her. She lives on a farm with her husband and spends her days caring for betrayed wives, gardening, and taking long walks in nature with her dog.  More about  the betrayed wife's personal infidelity story...

  • Well, I think I can say I did nearly all of these in some way or another!
    I think the thing I did that was crazy was to believe my partner when he said it was over. Not only did he cheat on me but he was cheating on the affair partner with a second affair partner. I don’t regret choosing to have faith in him but I do regret having such blind faith in him. It was over a year from discovery before he truly began to understand that he couldn’t be their friend. 3 years and 2 months later and we are finally at a place where I can once again trust his words.

    Reply

    • It’s a confusing time, Cynthia. I definitely considered doing nearly all the things on this list.

      Reply

  • Regrettably, I have done most of these things through the 8 months since DDAY, 1st couples therapy last week and he is still blaming me for us “drifting apart”. I had no clue we had drifted apart, we were still doing loads together, even though he was totally vile for the 7 months of the affair, I thought he was ill :(. I am much stronger now and see the issue is more his than mine.

    Reply

    • Hi Pip,
      I am so sorry you were cheated on. You didn’t deserve it and are not to blame. Your husband had many other choices, yet he chose to cheat. My husband also blamed me for his choices and used his version of “drifting apart” as his excuse. He stated we no longer had anything in common… Strangely we did, so that was a cruel shock to me. And he also became vile while cheating, causing me immense pain. Pip, please reach out anytime you want. It helps to talk with someone who knows the impact of betrayal pain.
      Yours on the Journey
      Kate

      Reply
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