I know how awful it feels to have the person who you love and trust the most in the world tell you that they are no longer in love with you. It is a massive shock. This story of cheating shows how infidelity destroys a relationship. Here is my personal story of infidelity and how I became the betrayed wife...
My Infidelity Story
Like most infidelity stories, mine begin with deception, hiding, sneaking and a lot of lying. Cheaters lie to themselves, their affair partners, and of course to their wives who they betray. My husband's story is no different. His extramarital affair hurt me, his wife, tremendously. This true story of cheating is the perfect example of how cheating in a relationship unfolds.
His Cheating Scenario
I knew that our marriage wasn't perfect; no marriage is perfect.
No marriage is perfect all the time but I thought we were happy and had something special between us. Yet I had a nagging concern as I had seen signs of my husband changing towards me over the past year. He seemed to be withdrawing from me.
He spent most of his spare time at the gym or working late. When he finally came home, he absorbed himself with the television telling me he was too tired to talk. Seeing that he was so tired led me to believe that he was mentally exhausted from working in our business. I felt guilty that he had to work so hard and was so worn out.
Sadly I didn't know the truth about why he was so tired. Nor did I understand why he was withdrawing his love from me.
While Cheating, He Made a Fool of Me
To make his life more comfortable, I took on nearly all family responsibilities. Unbeknown to me, I gave him more free time to cheat behind my back by showing him that kindness. Then he could come home and watch the T.V. for the rest of the night. I felt so angry and used when the truth came out. His deception made a fool out of me and my generosity toward him.
I was a loving and supportive wife and a caring mother to our children. Why was he telling me he was no longer in love with me? His acting this way confused me because I knew that we did have a love for each other. Sadly, I didn't know what was happening behind my back.
I Love You But I am Not in Love With You!
Where did all this talk of not being in love come from?
That horrible night as he shared those awful words, my heart fell onto the floor, and my mouth hung open in disbelief. He said, " I love you, but I am not in love with you anymore." Then he proceeded to tell me how miserably unhappy he was and that he had been unhappy for years.
Panic gripped my throat as he continued to vent at me in utter contempt. Furthermore, his face was flushed and distorted in anger as he spoke. Blame that I had disappointed him and that he was desperately unhappy dripped off every word he said to me.
Because I was in complete shock over his words, I shut down, and a fear of being abandoned flooded me. As a result, I spent the next year doing everything I could to please him. In my fear, I let his words deceive me into believing that I had failed him and that I was responsible for fixing our marriage.
According to him, our marriage was broken, and I hadn't even realized it. So I second-guessed myself and tried to fix it. I didn't know that he was deliberately deceiving me.
As a result, I worked even harder; I gave even more and tolerated things I shouldn't have endured in our relationship. Yet it was always a losing battle as nothing I did was enough for him! He resented me more for trying.
A fear of being abandoned consumed me.
Why was He so Angry at Me?
His anger and criticism continued to grow, no matter how kind or generous I was toward him. I was confused and heartbroken all the time with his behavior. He would fly into irrational rages when I stood up for myself or our relationship.
Ignorantly, I played right into his deceitful ploy. His words and actions triggered my fears, and I began to doubt my intuition. Questioning myself was exactly what he wanted. I was continually being thrown off balance by his anger. It kept me trying to appease him by thinking I had done something wrong or should improve somehow. He made me the guilty scapegoat in our relationship, and a fearful part of me thought it might be true!
His behavior toward me was narcissistic and emotionally abusive.
His cheating Story Reveals His Dysfunction
While he focused his blame and resentment on me, he didn't have to face who and what he had become. He had become an adulterer and a liar. Throwing me under the bus made him feel better. How could the man I love do that to me?
Maintaining displeasure toward me meant that he could avoid feeling guilt for the affair he was having behind my back. When he found fault with me and pointed his finger at me, he didn't have to acknowledge that he was a lying adulterer!
To own that he was having an affair didn't fit with his moral values.
Adultery didn't fit the acceptable image he had of himself, so he kept all focus away from his behaviors. He did this to avoid feeling guilt over his double standards. That moral dissonance he was experiencing gave him license to make me the problem in his dysfunctional mind.
My husband had become an entitled, angry man hiding from the fact that he was an adulterer, which was unacceptable to him. He maintained his facade by avoiding any compassion toward me or allowing himself any feelings of guilt about the fact that he was cheating on me.
Judging me as the one in the relationship which had let him down meant that he could convince himself that he was an innocent victim. In his deceived mind, this gave him a justifiable reason for cheating on me. His entitled self believed that his affair partner was giving him the happiness he deserved.
In reality, she was just a lying, cheating adulteress. She was using him to boost her own selfish and dysfunctional ego. The fantasy they created between themselves was based on lies, deception, and self-centeredness. Apparently, that was the type of happiness he believed he was entitled to!
Cheating was justifiable to his messed up thinking when he made me the problem and himself the victim. That flawed logic permitted my husband to blame me for his infidelity while he continued his affair. Yet it was his choices that were creating his unhappiness in our marriage, not mine.
A Description of a Cheater
Point the finger at the wife, as she obviously wasn't enough for him.
There is no justifiable reason to cheat. It is the most painful thing to do to someone who loves and trusts you. Discovering my husband's affair devastated me to my core. I have never known such utter agony.
His immature expectations that I was supposed to make him happy, rather than taking responsibility for himself, feed into his lack of boundaries and impropriety. Follow that up with an insincere, available woman who made it her business to get close to him and manipulate him with her vain flattery. (I named her 'The Hag.')
People have affairs with other people who make it known that they are available.
My intuition kept trying to piece together what was happening because I knew something wasn't right. So to keep me from discovering my husband's affair, he found a new way to undermine and shut me down. Behind my back, he told our children that I had become mentally unhinged to avoid me uncovering his lies and deception. He made me out to be the problem in an even more painful way. He undermined my relationship with our children and isolated me further.
My cheating husband had me emotionally tied up in knots.
I now felt abandoned not just by him but by my children also. Everything I loved and trusted got ripped from my hands, and I couldn't stop it. My entire world was collapsing around me. It was torture. In my fear, I thought that I had absolutely no one to turn to for support. My husband had me emotionally tied up in knots.
After nearly two years of living in this hell, the truth finally came out. His lies and his cruelty were exposed to me. He had been having an affair with a woman ('The Hag') who was pretending to be my friend. A double betrayal! I was left devastated, crushed, and blamed due to his affair.
The thing which I feared the most was true. My partner had been cheating on me. My intuition had been right all along, and I was not losing my mind. Weirdly, it was a relief to finally know that I had been right, although it was a double-edged sword?
This is How I Became The Betrayed Wife.
Are you a betrayed wife who wants to talk with someone who understands how painful infidelity is? Click here to learn how you can talk about what happened. I would love to gift you a free coaching call to get the support you need to heal. I also wrote a follow-up article about the other woman called When the Other Woman Keeps Hanging Around and Why Being Cheated on is so Painful.
" Alone we can do so little, together we can do so much."
I created this website and courses to share what I learned from my journey toward healing as a betrayed wife. Mostly I want to offer support to those who are struggling on their journey. I know how hard it is and that we don't have to do this alone. I am on the path toward happiness now, and hope to serve as a guide for others on the same journey.
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