How to Get Over Being Cheated On

Recovering from being cheated on is an excruciating and challenging process to come to terms with. Despite my initial reluctance, I had to learn to accept what was never desired nor requested. So, how did I manage to overcome this ordeal? In this two-part series, I will delve into the difficult task of how to move on from being cheated on.

Getting over being cheated on felt overwhelming

Life, marriages, and relationships are full of ups and downs, even at the best times. But after discovering that my husband had been cheating, everything became harder to endure. Mostly I lived in a state of overwhelm, feeling out of control and unable to make good choices. My husband triggered me, his affair partner triggered me, my thoughts triggered me, and my environment triggered me. To make matters worse, this caused my husband's shame over cheating to get activated. Then we would both spiral out of control. We failed to connect, leaving me frozen in my fear of abandonment without hope for a better future.

I realized that I didn't want to waste my life by only feeling good when my husband seemed good about our marriage or when he was working hard to support me. Then, in contrast, feeling the depths of despair on the days when our relationship seemed it wasn't going to survive. I had to stop allowing my partner or the meaning I attached to their actions to be the gauge I lived by. To remain so entangled with my husband's journey meant I had given him control over my life. To me, that wasn't living; that was existing in a state of constant noise. My need to feel in control by being in control was driving us both crazy.

I  existed in a state of constant noise about being cheated on.

Suppose you also have an emotional roller coaster ride these days with constant noise or arguments going on inside your head. In that case, I want to tell you that life after an affair doesn't always have to be that way. Just confronting the unpredictability of life in new ways helps. I want to share how self-care can support your healing after being cheated on. Pause and take an opportunity to watch your mind, heart, and gut at work to understand and bring perspective to your feelings.

Self-care is giving yourself the space to feel, which is a vital part of the grieving process. It also includes having fellow betrayed women to talk to about what you are going through. Those who have experienced infidelity offer a unique sort of support that safely and lovingly brings us to a place of acceptance. Why? Because they get the pain, they understand how much being cheated on messes with our heads, hearts, and ability to trust ourselves.

Having fellow betrayed women to talk to about being cheated on helps

It's interesting because I never imagined I would be here today writing about being cheated on when I discovered I was a betrayed wife. Now I write blogs, coach betrayed women, and create courses to help those suffering through the same journey I was on. I love my job and have never been more satisfied or happy working. Self-care after being cheated on shaped me into someone I am proud to be. Even though the experience of being cheated on was the hardest thing I have ever had to endure, I found my strength when I focused on caring for myself. Moreover, I discovered a more authentic life to live.

When I started doing healing work and self-care, I would tell myself that at least I would grow stronger through the experience. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right. Aaarrgghh! No, it felt like I was dying, and I hated the suffering. That was until I learned to accept that the only way past the pain was through the pain.

Don't get me wrong; I had many moments when I thought the betrayal and the healing work would kill me, and I am sad to say that I sometimes wanted to die. But the truth is, because of self-care, I am stronger now. My capacity as a person, woman, mother, and even wife has grown through this painful experience. I learned to embrace self-care and take charge of my healing. Most importantly, I did it for myself. I recognized my need to be whole despite my pain or the mess my husband had become.

 I wouldn't have chosen being cheated on to make me stronger!

I learned to stop and pause by paying attention and listening to myself and my needs instead of letting my thoughts play a constant unchecked noise in my head. I had to quieten the noise.

As it turns out, this noise was my mind, heart, and gut (intuition) all talking simultaneously. They were all vying for my attention and arguing constantly but never listening to each other. I had to pause and listen to each one. By doing this self-care technique, I learned a lot about myself and my needs. 

Mostly I learned to trust myself again! I can't remember when I stopped trusting myself; it slipped away unnoticed at some point in my marriage.
By embracing self-care, I learned to give myself the time I needed. Self-care gave me space from the internal arguments that had my head in utter confusion. Controlling my noisy thoughts through self-care allowed me to grow and heal as a person. 

Taking my focus off the betrayal and how I could change it brought me to the place where I could grieve and move on from the constant chatter about being cheated on. To heal, I had to accept the most brutal truth about myself. I am a betrayed wife!

I accepted the truth, I am a betrayed wife!

I eventually surrendered myself to accepting the betrayal as true and something I couldn't change.

Rather than talking myself out of having negative thoughts or feelings about this traumatic event of infidelity, I surrendered myself wholly to accepting that the betrayal happened. It was real and now a part of who I was. I can never change the fact that I was cheated on, no matter how hard I fight against it.

Self-care supports us to start clearing out all the noise. The constant what-ifs, or should-haves, or why didn't yous. Through self-care, we realize how much of our time and energy we mindlessly give away. I wasted so much time when I role-played the betrayal events, always looking for a better ending. I had conversations with the AP or my husband in my head, always attempting to change the unchangeable. My self-care challenged me about why I was punishing myself with what-ifs or could-bes in unconscious dialogues. I couldn't change history or any of the things which had occurred. But I could learn to accept that they had happened.

How much of your valuable life is being used up by unhelpful noise? Are your mind, heart, and gut all arguing about getting cheated on? Are you problem solving and trying to prevent an event that has already occurred?

Self-care is accepting that you were cheated on

Maybe the noise for you is driving you to manage your husband and your marriage instead of looking after yourself. Or perhaps it is a constant argument of all the ways your partner hurt you with their betrayal, or how unhappy you are, and that things will never change. Whatever that noise is, it just drains all of our energy and steals our focus away from healing.

Self-care gives us the courage to sit with our thoughts. As we write them out and understand them, it helps us. If we fail to provide them with a written voice, they keep talking in unformed sentences inside our minds. Mind chatter only confuses us further and adds to our pain. But the self-care technique of writing them out supports us toward mental clarity.

Self-care journaling invites us to sit with our hearts and let our hearts pour everything out onto paper. All our agony, disappointments, and pain get given a safe voice. There are many ways we can do this; maybe our written voice may come out as lists, poems, or pages of tear-stained words. Our heart's pain needs to be seen and heard. Self-care is the vehicle we use to deliver the compassion we need to heal.

Finally, we can give voice through pen to our intuition and notice that this voice speaks profound truth to our wounded hearts and panicked minds. Before being cheated on, how often were your gut feelings silenced? Sadly we may discover that fear put our intuition on mute or that we ignored it. When we turn to self-care, we discover our intuitive voice again. Listening to this voice of wisdom is like finding our most wise and trusted friend. Through self-care, our intuitive voice helps restore our self-esteem and self-trust.

We can become our own greatest asset toward our healing after being cheated on

It takes time and courage to hear all three voices, but they always speak to us. Self-care tunes our ears to listen to each voice and have them all talk to each other too. Then we discover that we are our own greatest asset on our healing journey.

Healing our infidelity wounds takes time. Self-care helps us to hear all the pain and longings of our hearts after being cheated on. It gives us the courage to witness all the arguments and solutions our brain brings us about our husband's affair. Our self-care supports us to accept them all as a part of our grieving process. But mostly, self-care shows us how to make space for our intuition, perhaps the most bruised of all our internal voices, to speak its more profound knowledge to us and learn to trust that voice again.

Learn to listen to your internal dialogues of mind, heart and gut one at a time, give them voice through writing, and grieving the losses they each have.

Even if you can't un-jumble the voices all talking at once inside you just yet, try to hold faith and start writing. Writing can be a self-care tool to help you reduce the volume of all the noise inside your head. It can guide you towards discerning your internal voices so that they can stop yelling for your attention.

Suppose you are willing to stay with yourself, listening to all parts of yourself, and be with the feelings they have. In that case, you will be able to find your path toward healing after being cheated on. I know this to be true because I survived this awful experience of betrayal, which was a big one to get over. I am still growing from it, one day at a time, and practicing the self-care I need each and every day.

Please scroll down to read part 2 in this series on how to get over being cheated on.

Listening to my inner voices was a powerful self-care practise that gave me the courage to accept and heal.

If you want to learn more ways to embrace self-care and accept what is, please accept my gift of a free call with me. You are worth the effort it takes to heal, and your healing really is essential in discovering a life you love living again. You can get over being cheated on! Read part 2 of this post here.

Here is what course participants have to say about the Self-care Course:-

"It is hard to do self-care when the rug has been pulled out from under you by betrayal but doing the self-care course with The Betrayed Wife brought the focus back me to help me heal."  

"We can’t heal alone. We need support, love, and understanding. The Betrayed Wife provides all of that and more."

"I am sad that this is the journey I must walk but I feel that God has provided me with women like The Betrayed Wife to help me and hold me up along the path. Thank you, for using your own pain to help others heal. God Bless."

 If this article helped you or you want to talk more about this topic, please leave a comment below.  I love hearing what you have to say and I would love you to join me in a Coaching Course.  

Much love

Yours on the Journey

keep reading part 2 on how to get over being cheated on:

How to Get Over Being Cheated On Part 2
{"email":"Email address invalid","url":"Website address invalid","required":"Required field missing"}

About the Author

I am a certified life coach and relationship facilitator with a passion for supporting women who have been impacted by infidelity. Drawing on my personal experiences and deep insights, I am dedicated to helping my clients heal from the trauma of betrayal and reclaim their lives.

Through one-on-one coaching, I am committed to providing a safe, supportive space for women to process their emotions and move forward after infidelity. You can find me in my vegetable garden or taking long walks in nature with my dog when I'm not working. Read more about  the betrayed wife's personal infidelity story...